F**king Ripples

Here it goes again!!!
I am so sick and tired of these f**king ripples! Just when I thought the light at the end of the tunnel was the other end, it turns out to be the train that's coming to run us over!

What can I do? I have tried being the perfect submissive (which has been my goal since boot camp) but I feel like I'm being blamed for everything that's fucked up in our relationship. I have bent over backwards to not make waves, no pointing fingers, trying to be supportive in the face of both our shortcomings. I have taken my punishments without complaint, no whining, no griping and take total responsibility for the big mistake in judgement that started these problems.....but we both know there aren't do-overs in this life. The best you can do is juggle the knives until you can replace them with safe soft items or you get cut. And when you get cut you bind the wounds and figure out a way to juggle the knives without getting cut. I am out of ideas, I don't have any idea who I can turn to. Beating me or beating myself up  isn't going to make the problem go away. I guess I am the problem....

I don't like to sit in the dark when I come home from work, I don't like to talk to with people I don't want to talk to after having done it all day at work. I like to be able to talk to my husband about stuff that happened at work or my thoughts during the course of the day or even the stupid stuff on TV. I like to talk to him about what he did during the day.  I don't mind staying at home and enjoying each other's company, even sitting quietly....I like seeing a face that looks like mine when I've been with others whose faces don't look like mine all damn day. I don't have to go out to dinner or to a movie to be entertained.  I can't carry all the faith that things are going to get better; I can't be the only one who will ask for help.....sometimes if you've been a place longer than someone else, you have to access who you know even if you don't like it.  I've been really homesick for a while and feeling like maybe I don't belong here; even though I love my husband, the kids, and like my job (too old to find a new one now!) and like the scenery.

Why my husband thinks I want to do things without him I don't know; but I do know that some of the things I would like to do, he would find boring or physically wouldn't be able to do and I'm fine with that. I don't want  go someplace that we have to pay to get into and be bored or are limited by what we can do together.

Random Thoughts

TTWD seeps into my work life....I'm in charge of a lot of things during my work day; sometimes I just want someone to tell me what to do & how to do it.


I'm trying to figure out how to attack my latest assignment. Every time I look at my instructions, what I have in mind to do to accomplish skitters away as not connected. Master says every relationship, no matter what it is can be looked at through the filter of DD. My assignment is to collect magazine and news articles, cartoons, Bible verses and pamphlets that are related to DD. Then I have to fit them into some of the guidelines we have worked up as a DD couple. I've been looking and every time I find something that fits one facet of my assignment, it doesn't fit in any of the others....my head feels tight and swims alternately trying to get this one!

9o'clock is 9o'clock

I sit here teary eyed and with a sore bottom.....because I missed the 9o'clock hour last night. Those of you who follow my Master/husband's blog (gmdtalking.blogspot.com or Surprised by my friend) will know what it is. For those who don't, our 9o'clock hour is one of the house rules which requires me to be naked, present myself for inspection and sign off on my To Do List. Last night, just before 9o'clock, I got a phone call from my youngest son, who I hadn't talked to in about a week & we were chatting and catching up...he celebrated his 20th birthday on Saturday. I took the call in the kitchen because Master was watching TV and on the phone himself in the living room. When I looked at the clock it was already after 9 so I went into the bedroom and got undressed, signed off on the To Do List, but kept on talking. The bad thing is as I was sitting there on the bed, it occurred to me I could tell him to hold on a second, I had something I needed to do real quick, gone in to the dining room where Master was now on the computer, got inspected and went back to my conversation...easy peasy....too bad. I got distracted by something he was asking me and didn't go in. NO EXCUSES!!!!

So when the call was over, I STILL didn't go in to Master. I was naked but I hadn't followed the letter of the rule. I went back into the kitchen and was cleaning up and doing another of my duties, when Master called me to come to him. He asked me what was I supposed to do at 9o'clock. I told him and he told me what time it was and that consistency required him to give me a stroke on each cheek for each minute past the 9o'clock hour I had not done my duties. Then he said because of the time I should receive 184 {GASP} strokes....my stomach dropped....that was more than I received for the whole Boot Camp, mandatory and punishment strokes included!!! He said that amount was unrealistic (WHEW!!) but I would get 25 on each cheek and 10 warm ups right then and tomorrow (today) - which is why I'm sitting here in this state.

NINE O'CLOCK IS NINE O'CLOCK!!!!!

Highs and Lows

TTWD has provided some highs and lows for our relationship. The highs are the almost OCD control we feel when following the guidelines we set. While there's still anger at situations and yes, I'll admit it, sometimes  with each other...we know how to manage it without going off the deep end. Remember that premise from physics, for every action there is a matching reaction (or something like that) is how this is working for us.  The lows are really low, still got RIPPLES..but I'm trying to keep positive in the face of it all.....
The other day one of the managers at work had on a sweatshirt that said "there's no crying in administration"...he has no clue! & should ask my HOH about that!

Boot Camp!!!! Da Ta Da TAH!

We had a very intense weekend. Master had told me earlier in December that we would be doing Domestic Discipline Boot Camp sometime that month. I had vacation time from work that I needed to use and my office Christmas party was on Friday, he lined it up to start on Saturday, December 16. I knew it was coming and sort of what to expect, but I didn't read up on a lot of it because I didn't want to get anxious about it or have someone else's experience to influence or taint my expectations, so I went into it kind of  clueless. Glad I did! While overall it is an exercise that I would wholeheartedly recommend to DD couples; I would not advise it for someone who is really just starting out unless it is understood beyond a shadow of a doubt by both parties what will be happening; if I had known, I don't know if I could have done it.
 I am very glad we did it; it opened up some emotional areas where we were both shut down.

I learned from this experience that I am very committed to what we are doing; we have been through enough failed relationships and this is working because we are committed to it and have found that even though we sort of stumbled into it, apparently we needed it.

This experience was good for both of us.  We learned we have to listen to each other and ourselves and should be precise in our speech. Everything I needed to do every step I needed to go through; I had to ask permission to do. It made me stop and think about everything, every step I take for granted doing mundane things.  I learned that when I am out of order, my disobedience pulls both of us off track because Master has to stop and determine what punishment is to be delivered.

I also learned I am a lot stronger than I thought I was; I decided I would wholeheartedly go through the entire exercise and not wimp out; which I am proud to say I was able to get through all of it.

I feel a lot closer to Master and if possible, I love him more than I did before and want to please him in every way. In spite of or because of this exercise, I know I am loved and cherished. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I belong to Master and he belongs to me.

This experience also has me examining other couples relationships. While I will never know the intimate details of other couples relationships, I am looking at couples I know and couples I see in a different light.

What an absolutely fabulous way to advance our relationship into 2012!!!

I'm Changed

Still wrapping my brain around my Boot Camp experience....learned so much about myself in this relationship and new things about us together.....I'm still weighing and reviewing us....not in a bad way; marveling that we found this without a name for it as an answer to a prayer.....don't tell me my God isn't good and doesn't know His children and what they need....if only they would listen to what He's telling them!