Here it goes again!!!
I am so sick and tired of these f**king ripples! Just when I thought the light at the end of the tunnel was the other end, it turns out to be the train that's coming to run us over!
What can I do? I have tried being the perfect submissive (which has been my goal since boot camp) but I feel like I'm being blamed for everything that's fucked up in our relationship. I have bent over backwards to not make waves, no pointing fingers, trying to be supportive in the face of both our shortcomings. I have taken my punishments without complaint, no whining, no griping and take total responsibility for the big mistake in judgement that started these problems.....but we both know there aren't do-overs in this life. The best you can do is juggle the knives until you can replace them with safe soft items or you get cut. And when you get cut you bind the wounds and figure out a way to juggle the knives without getting cut. I am out of ideas, I don't have any idea who I can turn to. Beating me or beating myself up isn't going to make the problem go away. I guess I am the problem....
I don't like to sit in the dark when I come home from work, I don't like to talk to with people I don't want to talk to after having done it all day at work. I like to be able to talk to my husband about stuff that happened at work or my thoughts during the course of the day or even the stupid stuff on TV. I like to talk to him about what he did during the day. I don't mind staying at home and enjoying each other's company, even sitting quietly....I like seeing a face that looks like mine when I've been with others whose faces don't look like mine all damn day. I don't have to go out to dinner or to a movie to be entertained. I can't carry all the faith that things are going to get better; I can't be the only one who will ask for help.....sometimes if you've been a place longer than someone else, you have to access who you know even if you don't like it. I've been really homesick for a while and feeling like maybe I don't belong here; even though I love my husband, the kids, and like my job (too old to find a new one now!) and like the scenery.
Why my husband thinks I want to do things without him I don't know; but I do know that some of the things I would like to do, he would find boring or physically wouldn't be able to do and I'm fine with that. I don't want go someplace that we have to pay to get into and be bored or are limited by what we can do together.
I am so sick and tired of these f**king ripples! Just when I thought the light at the end of the tunnel was the other end, it turns out to be the train that's coming to run us over!
What can I do? I have tried being the perfect submissive (which has been my goal since boot camp) but I feel like I'm being blamed for everything that's fucked up in our relationship. I have bent over backwards to not make waves, no pointing fingers, trying to be supportive in the face of both our shortcomings. I have taken my punishments without complaint, no whining, no griping and take total responsibility for the big mistake in judgement that started these problems.....but we both know there aren't do-overs in this life. The best you can do is juggle the knives until you can replace them with safe soft items or you get cut. And when you get cut you bind the wounds and figure out a way to juggle the knives without getting cut. I am out of ideas, I don't have any idea who I can turn to. Beating me or beating myself up isn't going to make the problem go away. I guess I am the problem....
I don't like to sit in the dark when I come home from work, I don't like to talk to with people I don't want to talk to after having done it all day at work. I like to be able to talk to my husband about stuff that happened at work or my thoughts during the course of the day or even the stupid stuff on TV. I like to talk to him about what he did during the day. I don't mind staying at home and enjoying each other's company, even sitting quietly....I like seeing a face that looks like mine when I've been with others whose faces don't look like mine all damn day. I don't have to go out to dinner or to a movie to be entertained. I can't carry all the faith that things are going to get better; I can't be the only one who will ask for help.....sometimes if you've been a place longer than someone else, you have to access who you know even if you don't like it. I've been really homesick for a while and feeling like maybe I don't belong here; even though I love my husband, the kids, and like my job (too old to find a new one now!) and like the scenery.
Why my husband thinks I want to do things without him I don't know; but I do know that some of the things I would like to do, he would find boring or physically wouldn't be able to do and I'm fine with that. I don't want go someplace that we have to pay to get into and be bored or are limited by what we can do together.
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